I woke up one morning… and I was fat.
OK… my not-so-shocking-confession :: It didn’t really happen overnight. In fact, I spent quite a bit of quality time acquiring this weight. I watched it happen. For about a year, I anxiously stepped on my scale every day and every day for about a year, I scored a higher grade than the day before. Wrong attitude, I know. I watched it happen, but I honestly thought that at some point my weight would level off and I would into a new normal. During this time, I continued my regular regimen of root beer, white bag meals, and the consumption of cupcakes – always hoping that the weight gain would magically come to an end.
*Insert face palm*
My New Normal
Eighty pounds and several sizes later, I found my new normal – residing in the plus size department of any local clothing store.
Now, let me not allow you to believe that I am happy with this new normal. Tying one’s shoelaces should only be a challenge when pregnant. Outgrowing your workout attire is simply embarrassing. Snoring loudly enough that you wake yourself is unpleasantly odd. As well, trying to find a place to hide CHIN 2.0 when being photographed takes mad skills.
In all my {cough} years of life, I have never made attempts at controlling my weight. It just was whatever it was. In college, I went from a size 6 to a size 12 and back down to a size 6 before graduation. I gained 50 pounds during each of my three pregnancies and then lost it all within a few months post pregnancy. During my second tenure with braces, I dropped from a size 10 to a size 4. That was four years and 80 pounds ago. None of these changes was ever intentional. Apathy, passivity and a lack of self-discipline have been my buds for much longer than I care to admit.
Houston, We Have a Problem
I recognize that I have a problem. That phrase – the one about knowing you have a problem is half the battle – is the biggest crock of doodie ever. I have long acknowledged my problem and I am no closer to wrangling this problem than I am to sharing a bikini clad photo collage of myself on Facebook.
The Sum of It All
I can sum up my problems with ease. I love to eat {stuff I should not eat}. I hate to exercise {or spend significant amounts of time away from my bed or couch}. I stay tired {because I stay up later than I should and always have a project in process that sucks my flex time.} I live with four other people whose food preferences are each unique and limited {as in grilled cheese, chicken nuggets and chitlins – chefs on Chopped couldn’t do a thing with this combination.} When I don’t feel like thinking about meals – white bag meals are an unfortunately convenient crutch.
Motivation memes were written for people like me. I probably have 25 of them stored on my phone. I have a friend, one I admire very much, who works out most mornings before work. She always posts an awesome meme to motivate those of lying in bed and not on our way to the gym. Most mornings, I wake up and read those awesome memes and save them because they make all the sense in the world and then I hit the snooze button on my alarm and fall back asleep because those last few minutes of sleep are so precious and crucial to the start of any day.
Admittedly, self-discipline has never been my strength. When it comes to things I love and enjoy, I function at 100%. But for the things I find less than enjoyable and unpleasant, I struggle – even when I know it is in my best interest.
As of late, I’ve become increasingly aware and more concerned about my health and the health of my family. Diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease and high cholesterol are among the boxes I check on the family history section of every doctor’s visit. I’ve reached the age where childhood friends are dropping dead without warning. Nothing scares me more than leaving my children without a mother before they are self-sufficient, independent, and responsible adults. I suppose I should start with modeling that responsibility.
No Resolutions For Me
It is January, but there will be no resolutions. The change I need is not one that I can put into effect because the clock strikes midnight and the year increases by one. I recognize that my changes will only come with a very significant shift in attitude, efforts and habits. I think I am almost there. Because the only thing I want more than to be healthy, fit, and sexy fine is a cupcake.
Yes, I am still a work in progress.
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