If My Toddler Had Instagram

Lately, my brand spanking new three year old {the age – not the kid himself} has been SUPER into my cell phone.  {Are they even called that anymore?  I don’t know.  It’s an iPhone.  Whatevs.}  And not just the “gimme your phone so I can press every button and destroy all of your settings” into that he used to be in.  Nope.  Now he has graduated into the “I know your passcode, how to work every app, and I pretty much work this thing better than you” phase.  Awesome.

So the other day I was sitting in a meeting up at our church.  The child care provider who is usually up there had called in sick, so I had Hayes and Hadley in the meeting with me…and I was scrambling for something to do with the kiddos so I could at least pay a little bit of attention.  Hmmm…what do do?  Donuts!  Someone had kindly brought a box of sugary circle shaped goodness, and I had conveniently forgot to grab the kids breakfast on the way out the door.  Perfect!  I quickly made a meal for Hayes complete with a sprinkle donut and a splash of my sparkling water, passed it down to where he was sitting, and tried to focus on all that was being discussed.  I thought I was in the clear for at least 6 or 7 minutes.  Wrong!  Hayes began to yell at me from across the table, “MOM!  TAKE A PICTURE OF MY PLATE! MOOOOOM!!!”  And I knew it – not only was my child obsessed with my phone, he was an Instagram junkie too.  Just like me.

Which got me thinking – what on earth would the Instagram feed of a toddler look like?  Well, it would probably include a lot of stereotypical IG posts.  You know the type – duck lip selfies, fresh manicures, FOOD!  {Toddlers LOVE to mimic what they see everyone else doing, don’t they?}  Of course, it would be up to date on all of the daily hashtags that the cool kids use, and the captions would include some tasteful boasting.  {After all, toddlers are the most self-absorbed little creatures.  Ever.}  And the profile?  It MUST include Emojis.  Without a doubt.  {‘Cause those are just fun – winky, smiley face, thumbs up, donut!?}

In my mind, the Instagram account might look a little something like this…

Of course, there would be a profile.  With TONS of followers and a clever little bio.  Oh, and a fake website address.  Kids on Instagram love those.

And every Sunday there would be a featured selfie.  Sometimes he would be looking up into the sky, sometimes he would be showing off his best goofy face, but this week he is sticking with the classic duck face.  Because that ALWAYS makes a person look uber-attractive.

Mondays would mean manicures and a chance to show off those freshly clipped nails.  Just a few minutes before they get covered in bright orange Cheetos dust and dark brown dirt.

And what Instagram feed is complete without a picture of the ride?  Obviously, this toddler knows nothing about privacy by flashing his custom plates all over for the whole world to see.  That just seems unsafe, does it not?

Oh, and a picture of feet.  {Not sure why, but feet are wildly popular on Instagram.  Yuck.}

Almost every meal would be documented in some creative out-of-the-box way.  Either by capturing that perfect foam on top of a steamy cup of hot chocolate or an aerial shot of a beautifully displayed plate.

Every Thursday, without fail, means throwback time.  And with only three ripe years under the belt, looking back means smash cake pictures…or newborn poses…or ultrasounds.

And who can forget to capture Fitness Friday with a good old gym selfie?  Only problem – no mirrors in the child care room.  So outdoors on the way there will have to do.  Check out those muscles!  I see a fitness competition in the future…

Some may call him a gym rat, but this buff little boy has a softer side too.  Did you know he was an artist?  Yup.  This little masterpiece was just whipped up in the driveway one evening while waiting for his dad to come home.  Brilliant, is it not?

There is no doubt that the Instagram feed of a toddler would be interesting, comical, and absolutely beautiful.  I love seeing the world through my little man’s eyes, and if he has Instagram one day {or whatever new fandangled social media platform is cool when he gets older} – you better believe this old mama will be his number one follower!

Until then…be sure to follow US on Instagram { @HoustonMomsBlog }, and let me hear it – what am I missing?  what pics would show up on YOUR kiddo’s Instagram feed??