Dear YOU,
Yes, you. The one who feels like you are ALL alone as you wait {and wait and wait some more} to become a mama. I sense your pain. I know you’ve been crying your eyes out when you are alone. I know you cringe every time someone gripes about how awful being pregnant is. I know you put on your brave, happy face, but silently die a little inside, every time a friend or family member announces their pregnancy {especially when it seems to come so quick and easy for some}. I feel your pain as you await that next test result, next fertility treatment, next cycle, that positive pregnancy test, THE CALL from the adoption agency. You are in a period of waiting and IT IS PAINFUL.
BUT YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You are on a rocky road, full of twists and turns and drop offs that you’re SURE will be the death of you. But remember this…many have reluctantly gone down this road before, including myself. And somehow, we make it to the end. YOU WILL TOO.
Here are some things to remember as you walk this painful road…
- THERE IS A REASON FOR YOUR WAIT. You may not see WHY until your journey is complete. I know I surely didn’t. But I am a FIRM believer {now, more than ever} that through our desperate, painful times of waiting…GOD is working. Look for what He’s trying to teach or show you during this time. If your eyes and heart are open to knowing, you’ll see more clearly what that might be.
- FIND SOMETHING ELSE POSITIVE TO FOCUS ON. Believe me, I KNOW that the ultimate goal right now is to have those babies in your arms and become a mama. It takes SO MUCH of your time, energy, and emotion. But try to find other things too. Start a bucket list and get busy on it. Set some fun goals that will enrich your life. Start that hobby that you’ve been dying to try or that you’ve let sit idly by during this time. You just can’t let the WAITING be all that you do. It’s torturous to your soul.
- MOVE YOUR BODY. WALKING, YOGA, STRETCHING. “Gentle” exercises are best during this time in your life, especially if you are undergoing fertility treatments. There is nothing better for you than to move your body {unless you are on doctor’s orders that say otherwise}. You’ll sleep better, reduce stress levels, you’ll just FEEL BETTER, plain and simple.
- CRY WHEN YOU NEED TO. Scream if you want to. It’s part of it. You’d be CRAZY to keep it all bottled up. Just remember, tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning. Choose JOY and have HOPE for the future. HOPE literally kept me afloat most days.
- FIND A SUPPORT SYSTEM. I was lucky. I knew friends at church who had walked this road before, I had a support system through my social media friends, my real life friends, my family, our adoption agency which held monthly support meetings, and a Christian infertility support group here in Houston called HOPE. FIND SOMEONE. You can do it alone, you’re strong, you’re tough. But my goodness, WHY? Let others in. They’ll help you down this path and CELEBRATE with you when the time comes.
If I could, I’d love to wrap my arms around your neck and give you a big ‘ol hug from those of us who have been right where you are. We made it. Some with biological children, some with adopted children, some with foster children, and yes, some who’ve learned to be content without children.
You’ll make it, too. I promise. Don’t give up. Don’t lose HOPE.
{I love this plaque that I’ve placed on my mantle… “HOPE. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul. FIRM and SECURE.” – Hebrews 6:19}
Love,
Me and all those who’ve gone before you in this journey
“HOPE literally kept me afloat most days.” Goodness, yes! Thank you for this letter – coming from someone who just had laparoscopy 5 days ago. This journey and the waiting is excruciating at times. I just told someone last week, “Somehow, I have hope still.” Our journey is young in the world of infertility…a little over a year now. You are SO right – we have to share our stories! We kept it hidden from many, even our families, until one day I just broke. The crazy thing was, in that brokenness, I found so much relief and freedom. I probably share it with too many people now. Just the other day my husband said,”Wow…you’re just kinda telling everyone, huh?” (And he’s on board…just surprised at my openness.) In sharing, we’ve met many new friends (and prayer warriors) on this same journey. I’ve bookmarked this letter. I know I’ll be coming back to it from time to time.
Hailee, You are SO welcome. No matter if you are just starting out or not, it can be unbearable. I hope that you will keep on sharing. I feel like it is HEALING in so many ways to just put it out there. I know other people don’t always know how to help, but in telling them what you are going thru….it can only help. SO MANY are in this journey together….sadly. BUT hang in there! There is a REASON for your wait. Love you, girlie. I do. Even though I don’t know ya. Weird? Oh well. I feel like that every time I hear a story of wanting a baby and the struggle to get there. It’s a bond. I’m praying for you. I mean it. xoxo-misty:)
Hello!
Thanks so much for your inspiring and encouraging message! I used to have a lot of friends going through this journey of infertility with me, but they have all either adopted or have been able to have a baby through the years. I am the only one left. I am so happy for my friends, but I do feel alone now. It’s especially disheartening when a friend that I have gone through this journey with, cuts me completely out of her life, once she has a child…at least, that’s how it can feel, and it makes me feel even more alone in this. It’s like, people don’t want to be reminded of “that time” in their life anymore and just want to move on. Guess I don’t blame them. I have been able to find many other ways to enjoy life, though! Thank you for remembering that there are still folks out there that could use some encouragement!!! It feels great to read those uplifting words, even from a stranger, to feel that someone still understands!
Great message to women And men….
Stress is a huge enemy to firtility ( not a catch all…but it contributes)
Be forgiving….many who make comments may not be trying to “fix it” or “point fingers” at an area…they may feel their pain ( even in a personal way) but just not know what to say so forgive them when they blunder, seem callus or brush you off.
No matter if you have kids already or not….infirtility is painful, miscarriages are heart wrenching & waiting & wondering are difficult. Both husband AND wife feel that pain…not just a gal thing.
And…I love the CRY advice…. bawl your eyes out, tears are healing. Then get up, dry your tears for a moment & get busy….offer to babysit for a friend, foster care for infants, volunteer at your local hospital, etc…. if you are able….
Hugs!
I love this letter. I remember sitting on my cubicle floor at work bawling. I was just told that friends of ours had become pregnant. They were just talking about getting a divorce. Why did they get pregnant and not us? I bawled. Their baby was born the same weekend of pur first miscarriage. Now, 3 years and 2 miscarriages later, i sit nursing our 3 month old at 4am. This is his 4th time to wake up tonight. Ugh. Thanks for the reminder of what we went through to get to this point. Most of our friends and family have no idea what we went through. I didn’t want to go through fertility treatments. We went to an adoption orientation class. Then we got pregnant. Did I mention that our 2nd pregnancy, my mom passed away from leukemia 1 week after we found out were pregnant? At least I was able to tell her. I miscarried 2 weeks later. Through this whole process what made me most upset was when i heard “I don’t know how we got pregnant. We weren’t even trying.” I always wanted to yell curse words at them.