I can vividly remember sitting in a preschool moms’ group watching two kids play aggressively. My kids will never… Then there was the time that I saw a fellow 2nd grade parent choose to prioritize an activity over education. Not me. I’ll never…
My kids are now 15 and 19. Are you curious about the number of times that I have thought that I knew how I would parent a situation and in the moment I chose to do something completely different? Well the answer to that is more often than I can count.
There was the time that I violated my sacred rule of no friends on a family vacation.
There was the day that we chose online education when everything in my being screamed that my kids would always have a traditional classroom education.
There was the first Sunday morning that my kids competed in sports.
Pick a subject – dating, alcohol, healthcare, nutrition, relationships – there is not one major parenting call that I have not at least considered something that my younger and inexperienced self would have said was a non-negotiable. I have shifted into beliefs and thought patterns that I could not have even known existed when I became a mother 19 years ago. Sure, I have matured and changed, but the single greatest impact on this mindset has been my constant desire to honor my wildly individual kids.
Just Know Me
I want to be known. This internal desire has shaped the trajectory of my parenting. I want decisions and plans to be made with distinct attention shown to meeting the needs of the people that I care about. As I set out to parent, I knew that I would never be the one-size-fits-all mom. Honesty time:: it’s one of the reasons that we only have two children. I recognized that I would not have the capacity and emotional energy to navigate parenting from this place with more kids. I am a researcher and learner. I study and read. I want to know all of the options. This level of curiosity and passion is great for things like surf spots and 18th birthday trips, but it has provided significant personal investment in the heavy lifting of health and goals and dreaming outside of the boxes that I know.
Because What if my Narrative Was Skewed?
I’ve asked myself this question quite often as I unpack long held beliefs. Why do I resist the shifting blocks of change? I resist because a significant change in belief patterns requires me to admit that::
a) I don’t have it all figured out
b) that I must reserve the right to be wrong
Admitting that I have shifted on a ‘biggie’ is a bit gutting for a know-it-all, black and white thinking gal like me. As many of my shifts have taken place in weighty, even foundational arenas, I have had to admit that the influences on my world and the reasons for my predetermined stances on the ‘I’ll nevers’ don’t exist anymore. That’s super scary for this very set-in-stone kind of thinker.
My Latest Mistake
I wish I could sit down with my 26 year-old self and tell her how much would change once your heart is walking around in someone else’s body. I wish she could know just how lonely it is to think that the only way to make things work is to buy the lie that the one way that she has been conditioned to believe is the best way.
Case in point::
We have paid a price {like soooo many have} for the changes in our world due to COVID 19. For my youngest, this included the loss of her team. The club that she swam for closed due to facility access limitations. When this became a reality, we considered what I saw as the “best” options and not one of them fit. It was time to revisit a holy-of-holies in the book of I Would Never’s. And I did. And I could not hold on to it anymore.
So I moved.
With one child.
To a new city.
For the sake of a sport.
How? Does? This? Work?
If you know my people, you know that we are fighters. Each in our own ways, we come to the ring prepared to do whatever we have to do to thrive and support each other. Sometimes this means we literally drop what we are doing and change courses completely for the sake of love – even when that means walking away from a plan, maybe even a good plan. Right now, as I type, I am sitting in the parking lot of a swim team in a new city. I’m sick to my stomach that this might be too much. I’m sad that it had to be this way. But can I tell you a secret? I am inspired. My brave fighter of a kid is forging a new path, her own way. This is what she wanted. And when someone you love is willing to fight like this, you will do anything to support them – even the things that other people don’t agree with. Love motivates that kind of confidence.
Let me say this in closing; I am not stupid. I know that this is going to be hard. Living in two cities was never something that my husband and I hoped for. This was not the plan. We have {on more than one occasion} watched other couples navigate distance and travel, doubting whether we could do the same. I know there will be super hard days. But, I also know that part of being a great mom is doing hard things for these humans that we call our offspring. I would give my girls the world if I could. I cannot. I can, however, model for them that when the hard – I mean the REALLY hard – days happen, we show up for each other in radical, unconventional, unexplainable ways. We change course for each other. We think outside the box to find new ways of succeeding. We refuse to quit on a dream or healing or even hope until we turn over every rock of possibility.
So, that’s what I am doing today. I have moved from my house of 22 years. I have left the only city I have ever called home. I have relied on people and love to carry me on this journey. And most of all, I have given it all away freely and without shame because I know this is the right thing for my kiddo. If I can look back at the end of my life and say that I did everything in my power to support my kids, I will know that I have been the best version of a mom that I could ever be.
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