On Becoming One

He must know, know that he’s very near tipping the calendar and passing that exciting baby to non-baby but still a baby milestone. This sweet boy has never wanted to cuddle, rock, or nuzzle but I find him finishing his bottle and curling up on my chest before he’s fully awake. That chubby hand resting on my shoulder, and his head tucked right into the sweet spot. After a few minutes he’ll pop up, give me a big toothy smile, a ma-ma-ma, and then off he goes. He never stops. {Ya’ll weren’t joking around on the difference between girls and boys.} ONE. My baby is just a few moons away from his first birthday, and I don’t know what I’m feeling.

I’m sad. Sad that a whole year with Jack {and Maggie} is over. Father Time, please slow down. I can’t even comprehend that I’ve had two kids for a year. I’m so good at faking it until I make it – I’ve even faked myself out. I’m still holding my breath that he arrives safely in my arms. And now he’s off  to the races – walking, babbling. This boy child of mine eats full blown meals and demands a fork with every sitting. How did we arrive at this point? ONE. You know at the beginning when you count weeks…he’s 6 weeks…and then those give way to months. I’m going to hold onto the months longer this time, I’ll make the switch when he’s 2.

I’m nervous. Nervous of what is to come. Nervous of my abilities to raise a compassionate, well mannered man who treats women with respect. Ohhh, that makes me nervous. And he’s of a different spirit, this one. I’ve got the first born girl down – I KNOW what is reverberating through that little brain. But this guy isn’t a first born girl, what if I don’t know how to encourage, challenge or fully engage him? Makes me nervous.

I’m excited. SO very excited for the future. ONE just sets off the fireworks. I can’t wait to hear his little voice, to find out what he loves, to scrub the knees of his pants. What will be his favorite book? He already adores his big sister, following her around like a little puppy dog begging for attention. He’s going to change me even more, teach me things and bring me places I never imagined. Learning in tandem, he and I.

I’m in love. I’m so in love with this boy. I can close my eyes and tell you where every single rubber-band left a roll on his body {and there’s A LOT}. I love his warm breath on my cheek as he dozes off at night. The way he stands on his tiptoes when he gets excited. Ma Ma Ma. Always looking for me in the room, just to make sure I haven’t strayed from his line of sight. He’s so handsome. Every single thing about him makes me smile. I totally know why my brother was my mom’s favorite. I forgive you Mom – I completely get it!