Welcome to the first monthly installment of SOS Becky! As a Houston Moms Blog contributor and MBTI Certified Life Coach, I will be answering reader questions and offering a fresh perspective into some of the troubles that real Houston moms face. ANYTHING goes and all questions will remain completely anonymous.
:: Becky SOS #1 ::
I am with the girls 24/7, and the hubby is not. So sometimes when he is around us, like on the weekends or at night, I find myself kinda bossing him around on how to do things the way we do them during the week. I hate to hear myself doing this! Poor guy is just trying to help.
SOS Becky,
I Hate Being a Nagger
Dear You Hate Being a Nagger,
First, let me assure you that you are NOT alone. Not even a little bit on this one. I’m thankful that you shared this because I know me and all my momma friend readers on HMB deal with this… all. the. time.
Every time I hear myself nagging my husband, I immediately flash back to breakfast with a mentor of mine. She lost her husband tragically a year ago and is one of the most amazing wives and moms I’ve ever known. She said one of the most important lessons she’s learned when it comes to parenting with your spouse is – never correct him in front of the children. Immediately, I was ready with my, “But what if ____” or “What about _____” or “I’ve been working so much on ____, and he’s messing it up.” She said, nothing is more important than your kids seeing you respect their dad. So many dads aren’t willing to participate in parenting, so we have to build them up as much as possible.
Admittedly, this is something we are struggling with in our marriage right now too. Like it happened just last night. And my husband confirmed, word for word, what my mentor said – stop nagging.
So some tips that we are trying ::
- Sit down with your husband and be sure he knows what you are working on with your kids. Routines and discipline change all the time with kids. Part of it could simply be that he doesn’t know. Take the time to fill him in when it’ just the two of you.
- BITE YOUR TONGUE when he is doing something “wrong.” This is the most important one. Whatever you have to do, keep your mouth shut. There are very few things that need correction, one time of doing it different won’t harm things.
- Praise as often as possible. I see a huge shift in my husband’s attitude and confidence when I’m building him up. As many times as you can point out what he is doing well, do it!
- Be open to new ways of doing things. He could surprise you and teach you a new way of doing something. At the very least, be open that even though it’s different doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
- Leave your hubs alone with the kids some. This will be a good way for both your husband and yourself to build some confidence in his ability.
:: Becky SOS #2 ::
I feel like our culture, and therefore, most other moms, think that we can do it all. It seems unrealistic, but everyone still seems to go after doing it all. I’m not anti-feminist or anything like that. I wish I could do it all. But I can’t. I just wish I knew how all those other moms seem to juggle it all?
SOS Becky,
This Supermom Lost Her Cape
Dear Supermom That Lost Her Cape,
I’ve struggled with this one a lot myself and come to the same conclusion the more women I talk to…no one is doing it all. It’s simply not possible. It may look as if they are, but trust me they aren’t.
As much as we’d love to juggle it all, we all have the same amount of hours in the day, just 24. Everyone chooses to do different things with those 24 hours. But no one does it all, it’s a facade.
We all struggle with the trade off that comes with “doing it all” or at the very least, going for our dreams. When we stay home with our kids, we give up our professional ambitions and adult stimulation. When we go to work, we give up those little moments and seeing each milestone. When we have a spotless house, we give up time with our kids or a bubble bath. When we take time with our kids or soak in the tub, we give up starting the next day with a clean slate. When go to bed early to try to get our 6 hours of sleep, we give up intimacy with our husband. When we are intimate with our husband… well, it’s always worth it once you get going. *wink*
Some women do seem to take on more though. They seem to juggle it all beautifully.
I’ve heard several different speakers say before – Don’t be jealous or envious of others because you are only seeing one perspective of their life, you don’t know what the whole package is like. Meaning, you may look at others and it seems like they are doing it all, but you don’t know what they’ve had to give up to “do it all.” And for them it might be worth it {we don’t want to judge their choices or circumstances}. But for you, it might not be. You don’t know what’s been given up – time, intimacy, health, finances, little moments with kids, friendships, travel, etc.
So here are some suggestions to help you deal with this as this pops up {and it will, for all of us} ::
- Those people who seem to have it all or are doing it all, choose to be happy for them. This will free you up from the pit of jealousy. When their Facebook status, Instagram pic, or text comes through, choose joy. Celebrate with them. Encourage them.
- If you feel unhappy about what you are doing or contributing, take some alone time and write down some goals. What do you wish you did more of? Who do you want to be? Then compare that to your current life. What needs to change to make these things happen. {Bonus :: get a friend or a coach to help you reach those goals!}
- Write down 1-3 things a day that you are grateful for in your life. Looking at your life for what you have and what it is instead of what you don’t have or what isn’t will fill you with so much joy. Choose gratitude.
:: Becky SOS #3 ::
I promised myself I wouldn’t let it happen, but it has. I’ve lost myself. Not completely, but close. I can’t remember the last time I did something just for me {that didn’t somehow benefit someone else}. How do I make time for myself when it seems my whole life is about others {i.e. kids, husband, job, household duties, volunteering, etc.}? I love all the things my life is about. But at the same time I want to feel like me again.
SOS Becky,
Lost & Needing to be Found
Dear Lost & Needing to be Found,
I think most moms are nodding their head in agreement reading this. It’s hard. These days when it’s all about the kids are so very hard. And I believe part of the sacrifice of having kids is that we do lose a part of ourselves. I think that is one of the beautiful aspects of motherhood. The American world is all about going for you dreams and making a name for yourself – it’s all very me-centric. What a beautiful gift motherhood is that we women get to experience putting someone else before ourselves.
All that said, here comes a big BUT…
BUT us moms can take that too far. We lose ourselves entirely. And that’s neither healthy nor good.
Here are a few suggestions to help make yourself a priority ::
- Choose to do one thing a day that brings you pleasure {i.e. a glass of wine after kids go to bed, a DVRed show, write a blog post, try a new work out, have sex, go out with some girlfriends, read a book, etc.}.
- Dream again. When the kids are napping or during your lunch break, take some time and dream. What do you want to do with your life? Are you doing it? What brings you the most joy? Then make small, realistic steps to start living your dreams.
- Realize your limitations. This is a hard one. If you feel stuck and not sure where you are overextended, ask your husband or a trusted friend to give you some insight. {Example – for me personally, as a stay at home mom I’ve always felt guilty putting my kids in Mother’s Day Out. But now that I’m coaching more clients and writing more, I simply don’t have the capacity to “do it all.” So my girls are enrolled to start MDO this summer. And this is best for them and me.}
- Make a bucket list. We gave you a fun family summer bucket list, why don’t you make your own bucket list for things you want to do. Another spin on this would be a to make a dream or vision board. {Pinterest has a million ideas.}
- Tell others – your husband, friend, mentors, a counselor, or a coach. Ask them to help you get out of this funk.
- Take care of yourself. Eat good. Drink water. Be active {in a way you enjoy}. Shower. Get dressed in real clothes. Maybe even put on make up and fix your hair.
If you have a question you would like answered, please email beckykhmb {at} gmail {dot} com or simply use the Contact Us form and include “SOS Becky” in the subject line to make it super easy.
