My son recently caught me off guard when he used a phrase I had personally considered “off limits” in our household.
I was certain I had never spoken it in his presence, so I immediately reacted, drew attention to his word choice and asked him where he had heard those words.
He casually shrugged, and in a nonchalant tone of voice, simply said “You, mom.”
My jaw– and my heart– dropped. I quickly flipped through the dusty old Rolodex in my mind, trying to remember every word and phrase I’d ever uttered to him, scrolling way way back, almost a decade.
It isn’t possible to know if or when I said it. And that truth is kind of beside the point. The point is, my child heard it and credits me with saying it. And in that moment, I felt like a complete and utter failure.
As deeply as those feelings pained me, they also led me to an epiphany.
A New Perspective
There are few things in life I love experiencing more than having my mind blown, receiving a fatal blow to my preconceived-notions. Or learning something new that changes the way I see things, challenges some truth I once held on to, big or small- and this is one such moment.
I realized in that moment that changing the way I speak around my children, carefully curating the words I use and avoiding language I find problematic to the values I want to instill in them, is not enough.
I also have to change the way my brain thinks. Yikes.
But how? In a perfect world, we could take the time to heal every damaged or under-developed part of ourselves before becoming parents.
And something amazing {but also challenging} about parenthood is that many of these parts that need healing become exposed after we start our families. So the healing work is being done parallel to the work of raising our children. In some ways, we’re all growing up together. Not exactly ideal when you’re supposed to be the one in charge.
So, is there a way to accelerate my own learning, changing, and growing? Ideally, a shortcut?
Changing Your Mind
If you’ve ever tried to make a big change {mental, physical, lifestyle} you’re aware that it’s not easy. Changing habits that are already formed is daunting because it’s notoriously difficult! It takes a lot of repetition and practice to create new default behaviors and thoughts, but ultimately that’s the way forward.
How long does it actually take? Sorry, but no shortcuts, usually. Research shows that the old adage “It takes 21 days to form a habit” isn’t exactly true; it varies from around 3 weeks on the lower end, to over 8 months on the higher end. And on average, most people can make lasting changes in their lifestyle or mindset in around 2 months.
Redirecting Thoughts
I’m a big fan of a mantra! I find repeating a word or short phrase can help calm my mind or redirect my thoughts.
Maybe you find yourself with a negative self-talk mindset; think of a friendly or soothing mantra to break that thought loop, like “worthy” or “I am enough.”
For myself, when I feel my thoughts running down the rabbit hole into places I would not want my children to go, I’m choosing the phrase “already whole, still healing.” This reminds me that if I don’t ever want to slip up and speak it, I shouldn’t allow it to occupy my mind for longer than a passing thought.
Forgive Yourself For Being Human
Even the most “Zen”, in-control people I know have bad days. They misspeak, they explode in anger or frustration, they cry in desperation. They are human. And so are we.
Maybe the mistakes I make in motherhood are actually the shortcut to that growth. And while it never feels good in the moment, the opportunity to learn from those mistakes is a gift. Changing my own mind and thoughts could have a ripple effect, not just on myself and my own children but outside of my home as well.
If we want a more positive and uplifting world, let’s imagine it and create it- together.
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